When you think of the universe, what comes to mind? For me “the universe” is a great mystery. It’s space, planets, stars, and nature. It’s matter, the elements, physics, thermodynamics, chemistry, and balance.

Over the last couple of years it’s become easier for me to believe in the universe than a god because it is easier to believe that the universe is benevolent. It’s easier to believe that it has a natural order and it makes sure to keep things in balance.

I keep find myself saying “The universe is being nice to me again,” instead of “The Lord is good! They were having a sale on clothing that I needed!” I think that the universe is the one pushing me towards the people I need to meet and the places that I need to be in. It gives me a gentle push when I’m confused. Sometimes if I’m really not listening, it will yell. Okay, Universe! I got it!

I mostly tend to believe in karma too; that your actions will eventually come back to find you and that justice will eventually be carried out. I like this idea that there is a natural order and balance, and that there are rules to keep everything in check. It’s a huge, benevolent grand element that slowly, silent keeps everything flowing.

I think the reason this is so appealing to me is because when the universe “punishes” me, I don’t take it personally. It’s not out to get me. It’s not the school teacher, the parent, or the pastor who resents me and is watching my every move. It’s just the universe doing its thing. It’s keep everything in harmony and I did something to mess that up, so it sends the appropriate karma my way.

Someone had abandoned a 2-liter of root beer in the freezer aisle at the grocery store a couple of months ago. I casually knocked it over just because I could. Two minutes later I tripped and fell onto the tile floor, breaking the carton of eggs and glass jar of jam I was holding. It was like there was something that said with a slight smirk, “Do you think I’m not paying attention?” Correction received. We can both move on.

My image of God or Jesus has been weighed down to the point where I barely know how to interact with him.  “People don’t like to talk about the Lion,” Pete said. He was talking about how there are two classic pictures of God: the lion and the lamb. He said that we can’t cleave too much to one or the other or we miss a crucial piece in the character of God and start to form him/her to our own image.

“People don’t want to believe that God is wrathful,” my husband said to me last night. We were lying in bed at 1:30 AM, supposed to be sleeping, but instead were wide awake talking about theology. “Um, <em>I </em>don’t want to believe that God is wrathful,” I said.

I have no problem talking about the lion. I have issues talking about the lamb. The image of God in my life has been so weighed down by guilt, fear, and shame that I really am unable to recognize Jesus as a benevolent being. I’ve revered him to be someone who is always watching my every move just waiting for me to trip up. This is probably my own fault; I was given the inch and I took the yard.

I've feared him my whole life and now it comes time for me to work on self-acceptance and give Jesus acknowledgement for the things that happen in my life. The thing that I referred to earlier as “the universe” <em>is</em> God. He is so much bigger than just the little person in a white robe somewhere up in the clouds keeping score. Maybe for a while I just need to call this force “the universe”. Maybe I need to respect this distance for a while to deconstruct the conditioning in my gut/heart and then transfer those feelings back to the right name: “God”.