There's a scene in the movie <em>The Exorcist</em> where the two priests talk about why the devil would choose to possess Linda Blair's character out of all the other people in the world. Max Von Sydow's character responds, "I think the point is to make us despair. To see ourselves as... animal and ugly. To make us reject the possibility that God could love us."

And that's the basis for all of my anguish and despair. All of my questions, my doubts, and my fears all boil down to this one fear: that God might not love me.

It happened in high school and college when I would cut myself on a regular basis.

It happened when I was engaged to Amy and couldn't be the man her family wanted me to be.

And it's been happening lately with my bisexuality.

I always knew I was somehow different from all the other little boys and girls, but I could never put my finger on it. It wasn't until I reached middle school that I finally found a name for it: bisexuality. But even after I found a name for it, I was hesitant to identify myself as that. Even though I knew I liked boys, my attraction to girls was much stronger. And in order to be bi you have to like both equally, right? Or so I thought.

For years I brushed my attraction to men aside and just focused on my attraction to women, even though my relationships with women always felt awkward. I just chalked it all up to being painfully shy. But then a few months ago during silent meditation, a loud voice rang inside my head: "You like men, admit it!"

So I did what I normally do when I have questions, which is do some research on the web. I found out that bisexuals don't have to be equally attracted to both men and women. Some have stronger feelings for the same sex, and others for the opposite. I also talked to a friend of mine who is a transgender male. Over the years he has really challenged my beliefs about homosexuality and the Bible. My friend said I don't need to come out of the closet immediately if I'm not ready yet, but I also couldn't pretend to be someone I'm not for much longer.

Finally, about two months ago, I came out on my blog.

Most of my readers are LGBT-affirming, so there wasn't a backlash at first. In fact, shortly after I came out I found an ELCA church that affirmed LGBT people. However, just recently friends have said they are worried about me, and that I'm going down a dark path. And that's when that old question pops back into my head: <em>Does God really love me? How can God possibly love a faggot like me?</em>

I wish my more conservative friends would realize that my bisexuality isn't just a habit I can easily break by just saying the right prayers. <em>It's who I am</em>. Yes, I am more than just who I'm attracted to. I'm a writer, a Christian, a big brother, a son, a boyfriend, etc. But my bisexuality isn't just some perverted fetish I can force myself to ignore. Believe me, I tried that, and it didn't work.

I hope this doesn't freak anybody out, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't been eying the razor blade this past week.

Last night before I went to bed I prayed that God would show me what to do. This morning I woke up to an encouraging Facebook message from a friend. As I read it, I realized that I have to be myself. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. If God tells me I need to change, then so be it. But for now, in this moment, I'm proud to say that I am both queer and beloved. You don't have to agree with me, of course. But if you can't love me and accept me for that, then don't let the door hit you on the way out.