<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">My Worst Best</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small"> </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">At the end of the first session with my therapist, he wrote on a yellow sticky-note and gave it to me.  “Put this on your refrigerator.”   It said, “I’m doing the best I can.  That’s good enough.”  “Bullshit,” I said.  “I’m doing the best I can, and it’s never good enough.”  “Bullshit,” God said.  “You might as well accept it.  It’s the way it is, for now.”</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small"> </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">What?  My best today sucks, because I don’t care enough to change anything.  I have a vision of making great strides to improve my behavior so I’m not self-defeating.  But today, I’m not taking good care of myself, and I know it.  Why would I do that?  Because I’m not ready to change.  I’m unable to do what it takes to alter my self-destructive actions and set myself free.  Isn’t that what God does for us?  Yes and no.  If I don’t cooperate, God won’t eclipse my will until I’m ready to help myself.  Today I’m thinking about treating myself better, living without blatant pain, letting myself go into the wonderful potential I know I have, but can’t claim yet.  God sits with me in my uncomfortable mess, waiting for me as long as it takes until I choose to move on.  I hope that day comes soon, but until then, I am a</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small"> </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">Brown Leaf Down</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small"> </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">Clear.  Cold.  Numb.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">Unable to stuff enough colored leaves</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">into my fallen heart</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">to fill the shadows with light</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">so I might probe my way out of here.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small"> </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">I’m at war with myself – </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">both the Good Guy and Bad,</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">killing the victor with guilt and pain</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">because what I want</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">is diametrically opposed</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">to the freedom that waits for me.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small"> </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">Why do I try so hard to screw things up?</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">What do I gain by gouging</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">my self-esteem into harmful behavior,</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">negative reinforcement of the lies</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">I know aren’t true?</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">It’s not like I have my head up my ass.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">I know what I’m doing – </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">sabotaging success at grasping freedom</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">and claiming it for me.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">As me.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">Living out my true identity</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">of Precious, Honored, True</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">instead of treating myself like shit.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small"> </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">And you won’t do this for me, God.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">That’s not your responsibility.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">Asking for your help isn’t enough</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">if I don’t take your advice.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small"> </span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">Please help me help myself to liberation.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">I’m stuck in the muck</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">of my own making.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">Make a way for me.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">Take away my resistance</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">to love myself,</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">and please come looking for me.</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">I’m the brown leaf</span>

<span style="font-family: Calibri;font-size: small">down on the ground.</span>