I hid for a long time - having run from a blissful childhood faith into a closet of religious fear.

Up until my late teens I had known God as love, tenderness and grace - personified by Jesus whose spirit lived in me as a friend. Life was good because God was always with me. I could talk to Him. I trusted Him. I asked him questions all the time. I didn't always get an answer, but I knew I could ask.

Maybe it was legalistic friends, or one too many Jack Chick Tracts had taken root deep inside. Perhaps I'd become lured by the seeming safety of  black/white, good/bad thinking. Whatever the culprit, I began allowing others to tell me who God was and who I was supposed to be in order to really have Him.

My closet, over the years, became decorated with proof-text Bible verses and well-worn answers to complex questions.  I wrapped my dwelling in caution tape that said 'un-orthodox viewpoints beware - I am a warrior of The Truth.' I was truly confident in many aspects but fearful of my own doubts in many others.  I was like Professor Marvel, working knobs and buttons behind a curtain to give the illusion of  unwavering confidence. I was anxious daily that a little dog might pull away my covering, exposing me as being that young girl who loved Jesus and enjoyed life, secular music and rated-R movies.

The belief that I had to keep those things separate created a toxic dichotomy in my mind and spirit. Already prone to anxiety and depression, it wasn't surprising that eventually I found myself feeling trapped. I began to manifest outwardly the lack of control I felt inside. I flirted with anorexia for a while. In an attempt to shut out one half of the split, I dug further into piety to show how saved I was. To outsiders I probably came off as a strong, healthy Christian. Inside, tough, I was in constant turmoil.

It was through therapy (there is a name for what I was dealing with - Google ''scrupulosity'), followed by emotional healing prayer in the hands of healthy Christians that I slowly began to emerge from the closet.

A startling encounter with God sealed the fate of my religious strong-hold.

At work one day, early on in my recovery, I was fretting especially hard about something. In my spirit I was on my knees pleading whatever my case was (perhaps why I liked the music I did or why I was working so hard on my screenplay instead of praying or reading my Bible).  In mid plea I felt like God grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a shake.

'Stand up, child," He said.

I blinked.

'Huh?' I stammered.

"I'm not mad at you for anything at all, Helen"

'You're not?'

'Of course not. You are making war where there is peace...I can't do anything with you in this state'.

'But we're supposed to be on our knees worshiping you.'

'I don't want worship like this - like Wormtail, groveling and begging for fear of retribution. Don't you know who I am?'

I was  simultaneously shocked that apparently God read 'Harry Potter' (one of my sinful favorites) and offended that he had compared me to the sniveling, cowardly servant of the Dark Lord in the story. But He had hit the nail on the head. That is exactly how I behaved in His presence most of the time. In effect, I realized, this betrayed how I must really see Him - as a power-hungry, hateful Lord.

My heart broke.

At one point, early on in childhood, I did know who He was. I knew Him as love, tenderness and grace. Maybe it was legalistic friends, maybe it was one too many Jack Chick Tracts.  Whatever the culprit, I had allowed others to tell me who God was and who I was supposed to be in order to have Him. I'd hidden away where I thought I was safe, working, working for a grace that was free.

The beautiful thing was that God's confrontation did not produce guilt. Instead it gave me the confidence to step out of my fear.  It confirmed what deep down I had always known was true. God was in my questions and doubts. He

Jesus is True. That's the one thing I know for sure. Because I've met Him. Beyond that, it's all just commentary (props to Rob Bell).

Some random thoughts on life, love and faith from a girl who's just calling it like she sees it and who is done apologizing and hyper-spiritualizing her way through the journey.

There are beautiful Christians who aren't Conservative Republicans.

My daily struggles and questions and processing do not preclude me from being a good prayer minister.

I can be a Charismatic without subscribing carte blanche to Pentecostal traditions.

It's OK to enjoy the love I have been given.

Everyone is a hypocrite about something.

Chances are I am more annoyed at myself than God is.

The Bible is not an object to be worshiped.

The One whose life and breath flow through the Biblical canon is the source of all life and worthy of worship.

I love being a woman.

I love my ta-tas. They are small but cute.

It's OK to feel sexy even if I'm not married.

It is impossible to shackle someone to rules and still call them free.

I believe in having a personal relationship with each member of the God-head -Papa, Jesus and Holy Spirit. This is where wisdom grows.

The Holy Spirit is feminine.

God is masculine

Jesus was a male human being who carried both masculine and feminine traits in perfect balance.

Neither male nor female is more important than the other. They were created equally in the image of God.

I have learned that everyone at any given time is probably doing or thinking something that is forbidden in the Bible. It is like trying to plug up a broken dam with your finger. Best plan: Give up and let Jesus' work on the cross be enough.

I wonder if we sometimes can't see Jesus past the 'word'.

I love football.

Fundamentalism can be in error.

Stripping Scripture of all mystical notion and completely 'humanizing' it can also be in error.

Finding The "Radical Middle" is my quest.

I think homosexuals are treated like lepers and Samaritans by many evangelicals. I think this is dishonoring and ignorant. I repent for my former stances on this issue.

I think I can learn from anyone.

"Spirit-filled" people sometimes scare me and make me wonder just what spirit they are filled with. I have scared myself.

The cake is a lie.

Discernment is best used to discern the presence of God, not the presence of demons.

Tangling with demons has become an arrogant sport in some deliverance ministries.

I choose not to focus on demons. They've already lost. Jesus gave me the keys.

God will always be more tender, merciful and graceful than humans.

I have been a joker and a smoker but never a midnight toker.

The F word is my favorite.

I greatly respect but don't always agree with the Apostle Paul. And I don't think that is blasphemous. I think he had issues just like the rest of us.

Speaking in tongues is cool.

Animals have souls and they go to heaven.

The post-flood covenant was made with the people and the animals (Genesis 9:10 - check it).

End-Times stuff annoys me. I think it is by and large a distraction.

Lamborghinis are sexy cars.

The idea of 'crucifying my flesh' is abhorrent to me. To try and do what was already done for me dishonors Christ and steals His joy.

You could destroy all the Bibles on the planet and still not destroy the Word of God.

To live in freedom with my focus on receiving and sharing the humanly impossible love of God is what Jesus asks of me. All other ground is sinking sand.

If everyone loved the way Jesus did the 'second coming' (or is it the third?) would be upon us.

To live that way is hard. I don't know how to do it. And that is what makes religion so tempting. It makes me feel in control.

Even still, Jesus take the wheel.