I hid for a long time.

My closet was decorated with Bible verses and well-worn answers to complex issues.  It was wrapped tightly in caution tape that said 'un-orthodox viewpoints beware - I am a warrior of The Truth.' Rays of confidence flowed from underneath the door and through the keyhole, anywhere that unwanted questions might slip in. And there I was inside, truly confident in many aspects but utterly terrified of my own doubts in many others - working knobs and buttons frantically like the little man from Kansas behind the curtain. I was anxious daily that a little dog might pull away my covering and expose me as a regular girl who loved Jesus but feared the wrath of the Lord.

It was through therapy (Google 'scrupulosity'), followed by emotional healing prayer in the hands of healthy Christians that I slowly began to emerge. It was a startling encounter with God that  realized that my questions weren't so alarming to God and that my definition of grace was out of whack (grace came when I earned it by proving my good-little-girl-ness to the Almighty).

One day when I was fretting especially hard about something. In my spirit I was on my knees pleading whatever my case was (perhaps why I liked secular music or was working so hard on my screenplay instead of praying or reading my Bible).  In mid whine I felt like God grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a shake.

'Stand up, child," He said.

I blinked.

'Huh?' I stammered.

'I'm not mad at you for anything at all'

'You're not?'

Of course not. You are making war where there is peace...I can't do anything with you in this state'.

'But we're supposed to be on our knees worshiping you.'

'I don't want worship like this - like Wormtail, groveling and begging for fear of retribution. Don't you know who I am?'

I was  simultaneously shocked that apparently God read 'Harry Potter' (one of my favorites) and offended that he had compared me to the sniveling, cowardly servant of the Dark Lord in the story. But He had hit the nail on the head. I was acting like a coward.

In answer to His latter question, at one point, early on in childhood, I did know who He was. I knew Him as love, tenderness and grace. Somewhere I had gotten lost and hid away in that closet of false confidence, fear had taken root. Maybe it was legalistic friends, maybe it was one too many Chick Tracts. Whatever the culprit, God had finally come knocking. Well, probably he had been knocking. It might be better said that he had given up knocking and was now banging. He put the first cracks in the walls of my safe theological closet. I didn't have Him neatly figured out. My questions were not evil. It was OK to be exactly who I was.

You're acting like Wormtail'

Jesus is True. That's the one thing I know for sure. Because I've met Him. Beyond that, it's all just commentary (props to Rob Bell).

Some random thoughts on life, love and faith from a girl who's just calling it like she sees it and who is done apologizing and hyper-spiritualizing her way through the journey.

There are beautiful Christians who aren't Conservative Republicans.

My daily struggles and questions and processing does not preclude me from being a good prayer minister.

I can be a Charismatic without subscribing carte blanche to Pentecostal traditions.

It's OK to enjoy the love I have been given.

Everyone is a hypocrite about something.

Chances are I am more annoyed at myself than God is.

The Bible is not an object to be worshiped.

The One whose life and breath flow through the Biblical canon is the source of all life and worthy of worship.

I love being a woman.

I love my ta-tas. They are small but cute.

It's OK to feel sexy even if I'm not married.

It is impossible to shackle someone to rules and still call them free.

I believe in having a personal relationship with each member of the God-head -Papa, Jesus and Holy Spirit. This is where wisdom grows.

The Holy Spirit is feminine.

God is masculine

Jesus was a male human being who carried both masculine and feminine traits in perfect balance.

Neither male nor female is more important than the other. They were created equally in the image of God.

I have learned that everyone at any given time is probably doing or thinking something that is forbidden in the Bible. It is like trying to plug up a broken dam with your finger. Best plan: Give up and let Jesus' work on the cross be enough.

I wonder if we sometimes can't see Jesus past the 'word'.

I love football.

Fundamentalism can be in error.

Stripping Scripture of all mystical notion and completely 'humanizing' it can also be in error.

Finding The "Radical Middle" is my quest.

I think homosexuals are treated like lepers and Samaritans by many evangelicals. I think this is dishonoring and ignorant. I repent for my former stances on this issue.

I think I can learn from anyone.

"Spirit-filled" people sometimes scare me and make me wonder just what spirit they are filled with. I have scared myself.

The cake is a lie.

Discernment is best used to discern the presence of God, not the presence of demons.

Tangling with demons has become an arrogant sport in some deliverance ministries.

I choose not to focus on demons. They've already lost. Jesus gave me the keys.

God will always be more tender, merciful and graceful than humans.

I have been a joker and a smoker but never a midnight toker.

The F word is my favorite.

I greatly respect but don't always agree with the Apostle Paul. And I don't think that is blasphemous. I think he had issues just like the rest of us.

Speaking in tongues is cool.

Animals have souls and they go to heaven.

The post-flood covenant was made with the people and the animals (Genesis 9:10 - check it).

End-Times stuff annoys me. I think it is by and large a distraction.

Lamborghinis are sexy cars.

The idea of 'crucifying my flesh' is abhorrent to me. To try and do what was already done for me dishonors Christ and steals His joy.

You could destroy all the Bibles on the planet and still not destroy the Word of God.

To live in freedom with my focus on receiving and sharing the humanly impossible love of God is what Jesus asks of me. All other ground is sinking sand.

If everyone loved the way Jesus did the 'second coming' (or is it the third?) would be upon us.

To live that way is hard. I don't know how to do it. And that is what makes religion so tempting. It makes me feel in control.

Even still, Jesus take the wheel.