Gee. That would feel like the punchline of a joke. Give up a dream and think you're going to commit to this great ministry, and it turns out to be a toxic, boring environment. Do you think the bartering ("Fine, I'll give up my dream if you give me this super awesome ministry?") was what caused the genie/bottle situation? That frustrates me. It seems like there are so many people who are yelling about how they need workers, and then when you jump in it's utterly terrible for you. Of course people pervert the good things that are supposed to come with ministry... But maybe God didn't want you in ministry the whole time. (Which actually gives me a little bit of hope that if I'm not devoting myself for free to a non-profit I'm not disobeying God.)

One of my favorite bloggers, John Shore, wrote in one of his posts that we view God a lot like our parents. So my god is a legalistic, over-reactive entity. He's waiting every moment to see if I choose my will (i.e. the things I love) over going to Africa. The idea of a loving God doesn't align with the way I have always thought of him, so when I found a weird, quirky, weary, thought-provoking, questioning community of friends... When they were so life-giving and I suddenly felt free to be myself in an ACTUAL relationship with this deity... I don't know. I kind of freaked out about it. It gives me a LOT of hope and it really exposes the projected version of God that I carry around with me.

I know that only sort of answers your question, but these were the thoughts that came to me while reading your post. Also: love your writing style! You're very funny and I feel like we could be friends from the way you talk. Great post!