<em>This is post number three in my series about the six reasons why I left the church based off <a href="http://www.barna.org/teens-next-gen-articles/528-six-reasons-young-christians-leave-church" target="_blank">this article</a> by the Barna Group. I realize that there are vast differences between when and how guys and girls first experience sexuality, so this by no means is to be a blanket generalization. </em>

<em>Miss the first two parts of this series? Read <a href="http://provoketive.com/2011/10/23/where-the-church-lost-me-i/" target="_blank">part one</a> and <a href="http://provoketive.com/2011/10/23/where-the-church-lost-me-ii/" target="_blank">part two</a>.</em>

<strong>Reason #4: “Young Christians’ church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic, judgmental.”</strong>

One of my favorite bloggers, Christian Piatt, wrote about this recently on <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/christianpiatt/2011/10/sex-is-dirty-save-it-for-marriage/" target="_blank">his blog</a>:
<blockquote>"Amy and I speak to youth and young adults pretty often about something we call embodied spirituality. The idea is that, contrary to what you may have learned in the past, you do not have to de-sexualize yourself to be a good person – even at church. We’re told in some ways that sex is a dirty thing, and that our bodies are something to be ashamed of. But then we also get the message that sex is something special to save for marriage. Something about these two values doesn’t match up."</blockquote>
<a href="http://behappyhealthywhole.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">My sister</a> and I were talking about this recently and she said:
<blockquote>“There’s a difference between protecting and isolating.”</blockquote>
Up until I was about 18 I was almost unaware that I was not simply a brain walking around. I don’t mean that literally, but things like lust and sexual thoughts were just theoretical issues. While <a href="http://www.soullikeaspider.com/blog/2011/8/5/the-debt-of-friendship-or-adam-fell-in-love-with-a-girl.html" target="_blank">Adam</a> and I were in our long-distance relationship, he sent me a picture of him wearing a new outfit. I don’t remember what it was exactly, but I think it was a new suit coat or something. I said he looked “snazzy”. He was immediately offended because he was looking for a word with a little bit more heat. He asked me one night why it wasn’t natural for me to use words like “sexy” and “hot”. I explained that I had essentially turned all that off because growing up in church I was always told that anything to do with the body was sinful.

Once a year, there was a three week long purity series where the Sunday school class was split up by guys and girls. (Funnily enough, nothing made me want the guys back together with us more than this annual series. <em>Just make it stop!</em>) This Sunday school course was the most awkward thing in church since clapping. (What is this "rhythm" you speak of?)

Firstly, the female leaders who ran the series couldn’t say the word “sex”. For a while they said “ex” and then eventually avoided it all together by referring to it as “it”. This does not setup a good precedence for an honest conversation. I get it: it’s awkward to talk about that post-movie hotness you had with your spouse the other night with teenage girls that seem like little bright-eyed deer that shouldn't have to deal with this messy, acutely intimate thing called sex. And while church may not be the place to teach about sex, the youth sponsors talked as if they were not just taking on the role of our mentor in the church place but also in the rest of our lives. So, unfortunately, sex questions fall under that category. Aside from my parents, you are the set of adults I see the most. Lead with honesty and frankness.

Next was the “modest clothing demonstration”. The girl they used to model the outfit was built just like me (six feet tall, thin frame). They bought a full outfit for her that was a size small. It fit her well; the outfit wasn’t too tight and it fit her frame nicely. But explained then the leaders demonstrated how this outfit was indecent because if you reach your shoulders and arms as high as you can with zero regard to your shirt it <em>may</em> show a tiny bit of skin. Or how if you bend in half with your legs straight (which no girl I know does this anyway) you<em>might</em> see a bit of her back. So then the model left the room and changed into the same outfit but with all the items one size up. This time the outfit clearly didn’t work. You could tell neither piece was the right size because it didn’t lay correctly or fit in the right places, but this outfit was praised as modest, beautiful, and how all good young women should dress.

The message was clear: the second, less fitting, one size too large outfit was much godlier. God doesn’t want your clothes to fit. Loose clothing, like cleanliness, is next to godliness! If you look and feel good in your own clothing you’re making the boys stumble. Cut it out.

Not only were there messages of de-sexualization (women, your bodies are the manifestation of temptation so to be really godly you need to wear parkas), but there were very blatant mistakes in the material of the lessons. There was The List. The List detailed all the physical steps through to actual intercourse. It was a list of eight items starting at “hand holding”. It was designed to show that if you get to step number four with guy A, you are going to want to jump to step four with guy B. That makes sense. What didn’t make sense was that “heavy petting” was number six and the last physical step that two people commit before inserting tab A into slot B was “hugging”. HUGGING. (I wish I was joking.) If hugging is the last step before sexin’, then I have definitely been around (<a href="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljj7z5fHsr1qdf6w8o1_250.gif">if you know what I mean</a>).

Outside of the purity series, this fear of anything sexual showed up in places like our non-dancing prom (because dancing requires you use your hips, and hips are sinful): Senior Banquet. We were endlessly told we were not allowed to wear strapless dresses. Reason being? “The boys will wonder where your bra is.” I told this to my friend <a href="http://theawesomeproject.net/" target="_blank">Drew</a> and he responded, “Well yeah, but that’s purely academic!” Plunging necklines? Fine. Dresses so tight they may as well have been air brushed? Fine. But don't you <em>dare</em> let those boys think that there are such things as strapless bras in this country or have a modest neckline by not showing cleavage!

The message was reinforced in literature as well. I specifically remember reading several sob stories about sex in the Christian girl’s magazine Brio (by Focus on the Family). The stories always included the following:

- The phrase “all the way.” Example: “I never thought that I would go all the way with a guy.”

- The <em>girl</em> must be uncomfortable or unsure and the <em>guy</em> must be pressuring her. Example: “I knew it was wrong, but he kept unbuttoning my shirt and told me to relax.”

- The phrase “it just happened”. They are sure to insinuate that if you kiss someone, even just a little, your body will go into a frenzied auto-pilot and you will have manic sex against your will. Example: “I never thought I would get pregnant and I never thought I would have premarital sex, but it just happened…” Cue mournful voice. Like <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0425210/" target="_blank">Slevin</a> said after his girlfriend claimed that her infidelity was an accident: “What like… He tripped, you fell?” (Maybe he Kansas City Shuffled his way into her pants. You never know with that movie.)

If these had all be isolated incidents it might not have been so bad, but altogether these things told me that my body was something to be ashamed of. Anything that made me feel confident or beautiful was me bringing my brother down. The only thing I knew to do was be afraid and suppress anything corporeal.

Now, for all intents and purposes, this works to the leaders’ advantage. It did keep me from promiscuity through high school (and I am trying to learn to be thankful for that) but it did for all the wrong reasons. It wasn’t because I had been informed and was making smart decisions; it was because I was operating solely out of fear and ignorance. It’s fine when you’re 15 and you don't instinctively describe something as "steamy". What’s not okay is when you’re not far from getting married and you have to suddenly have to turn all of those signals back on that you spent the first 18-20 years of your life ignoring. After being told that your body is sinful over and over, how do you transition to wild, mind-blowing sex? Talk about major signal confusion. Through age 18: sex is sinful, God hates sex! By the time you get married: sex is great, have lots of it! This is a common problem for newlywed Christians. They have no healthy respect or understanding of their bodies and suddenly they are supposed to know what they like in bed and how to fulfill their partner’s desires too? (Some friends of mine started <a href="http://couplingforcouples.blogspot.com/?zx=3bbe204db1a81e96" target="_blank">a blog</a> about this very subject to help unprepared people work through this.)

If you have a kid in your life that’s approaching the age where you need to start talking about stuff like this, consider finding ways to express to them the following:

- The body is an amazing thing. There are reasons why people create nude statues out of marble. It’s not because they love porn. It’s because the human body is an incredibly beautiful, intricate, glorious thing. Don’t be afraid of it.

- Sex is biological. Like hunger and thirst, the need to be sexual and to have sexual encounters with another person is part of what you are made to do. This is absolutely normal.

- Just because sex is biological doesn’t mean you need to exploit it or doing anything before you are ready to handle the consequences and how your life will be changed by it.

- You are not just a body. While sexual thoughts and impulses are completely normal, you have the ability to control what you choose to do with them. Despite popular belief, the opposite sex can control all those things too.

This is just for starters, and I have no idea how I’ll handle this conversation with my kids, but I know I’ll start there because I don’t want them to get on the other side of this issue and feel unprepared. I want them to have healthy attitudes towards their own bodies and other peoples’.

<em>Next I'll be talking about how the church is unfriendly towards those who doubt.</em>